25 Kick-ass things I learned From My 25 Years of Kicking-Ass (Part I of III)

25 Kick-ass things I learned From My 25 Years of Kicking-Ass (Part I of III).

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Etiquette for Bullies (Must Love Them)

Even before Cinderella got her fairy-tale ending; before the ugly duckling became a beautiful swan; and before Venus Raj made her major-major 4th-runner up finish in the Ms. Universe,  they were all just the same— simpletons who were desperately trying to create a mark, make it big, and find their happy ever after ending someday.

And along their journey to greatness; they were all there too, of course- the people who incessantly executed every abuse, sabotage, and mockery to our hopefuls to make them feel how pitiful, loathsome, and useless they are. But now that these poor people have overcome their demons and found their own star, they still need to give tribute somehow to the girl who used to poke at her nose; to the boy who made sure to ridicule every bone in his body (including his name), and to the teacher who always told him/her they’ll never be good enough: Yes, THE BULLIES. Why? Because part of their success they definitely owe to them. Because if it weren’t for their constant heckling and intimidation, they probably wouldn’t have strived and learned how to be strong and believe in themselves.

So you’re a bully I see- or somebody who wants to be one. I don’t know what you’re reasons are exactly but allow me to present the art of being an effective, efficient, and a powerful bully- with a touch of class of course. But firstly, you need to be equipped with these  five essential things:

  1. Absence of conscience
  2. A bitter past
  3. Envy and insecurity
  4. An insatiable flair for drama and attention
  5. An attitude with a capital A.

Five requirements: Check! Now we’re ready to begin.

  1. Never, ever feel any guilt– The mere fact that you decided to let hell loose and make the lives of the people around you miserable require you to stomach watching their faces writhing in agony, their tears flowing like it’s never going to end, and their mouth bleeding with a broken lip. On the contrary, you SHOULD be enjoying the view.
  2. Always make ways to show how pathetic the target is– Remember, bullies are insanely insecure and envious people who cannot accept the fact that some people have what they desire but alas, cannot possess. Therefore you should make them feel that whatever beauty, talent, or intelligence they have do not make them a cut above the rest. Instead, make them feel it is their fault that they possess such boon and because of it, they are to be punished by eating alone in the cafeteria, not getting any group mate in the class activity, or be the subject of nasty gossip- and deal with it.
  3. Own the spotlight- always-. You are a bully and you should be the star. Anybody who tries to steal the thunder, unwittingly or not, should face your and your minions’ wrath.   (I almost forgot to tell, bullies have minions who do not possess any balls or intelligence or both.) Why break a nail when people are willing to do the dirty task of dispatching garbage?
  4. Always have the “bully look”- How can you intimidate when you don’t look like one in the first place? For girls, an arched eyebrow (either left or right) is a must. For boys, merging your eye brows can give the message that you’re displeased or just simply looking for a fight- and all these poor weaklings will scamper or devise ways to stop an impending tantrum.
  5.    Be manipulative– This may seem to be the hardest, nevertheless the ultimate skill you need to learn before getting the respect of your fellow bullies. You are a bully. It means you have personal, family, or societal issues you cannot resolve so you find ways to realize your evil intentions by of course- devising methods such as lies, trickery, blackmailing… the list is endless. You definitely have to put your signature move. Copying others’ schemes is so trying hard.

These are but the basics. On a final note, always take this very important consideration in mind: There will always be these strong-willed people who will try in their every ounce of power to protect these weaklings and maintain the balance of power in school. There will be people whose knees won’t shake when you do the evil eye, or not step aside when you stride in the hallway with your cronies; or report you (ugh, what a bore) to the proper authorities to make sure you don’t get away with your mischiefs. You need to eliminate them first. How? That’s completely up to you. These people whom you victimize will soon be the next big thing in the industry (this is guaranteed) and you are very much aware that you are going to grow up a hater and a loser someday; so now that they’re still defenseless savor every moment darkening their days. Who knows? You might drag them to the pits of bitterness where you are now.

Good luck spreading hate, despair, and fear!

On Earning my A+

 

There is a time in every school year where every faculty room is suddenly abuzz with discussions, assumptions, and predictions. Teachers just can’t stop chattering. Surely, something is bound to happen.

 

This is the time where there is a momentary shift in the balance of power between the lowly students and the god-like teachers. For a brief period, they are suddenly under the mercy of these kids; their numerical assessment on their performances decides their image, their worth, and probably their future.

 

Faculty evaluation in schools is very much like a political election- the students the electorates, the teachers the political candidates. Evaluations are announced a week or two before its administration and suddenly, there is vaudeville. Teachers become amped. Some suddenly become unrealistically (more like irritatingly) pleasant in the classroom. Some give heart-warming speeches in between (or sometimes the whole) lectures on hopes to win sympathy (votes?). And some would even resort to either direct bribing, pleading, or worse, threatening.

 

And of course just like the regular campaign period, some propagandas sell, and some do not.

 

I could just imagine the face of every student watching in amusement at their teachers as they perform their own antics. A few entertaining, others obviously trying hard, and the rest just plain pathetic.

 

Albeit, evaluations is not all that merry. Many students, would actually treat evaluations as payback time, judgment of the gods day, and the time of vengeance. They were silent as lambs when Teacher A threw a tantrum with no particular reason at all, or when Teacher B deliberately gave failing grades out of spite, or when Teacher C gave a grandiloquent  speech on how doleful their existence are. But the students remembered— and they cannot wait for a second longer.

 

I never expect anything every time “The Hour of Retribution Comes.”Nor do I plan for my own campaign strategy to rally my ratings up. Not that I am being a hypocrite but I, from the bottom of my heart abhor becoming Mary Poppins every evals week— my towering pride just cannot take it. You know, similar to the rate-me-for-who-I-fucking-really-am drama.

 

Everybody knows I love power-trippings, has struggles with issues on schadenfreude, and a true-blooded prick. Still I do my share of reminding students about objectivity, open-mindedness, and a sense of humanity. Hell, your beloved teachers, after all, aren’t perfect. We all have our shares of quirkiness. And admittedly, we can be real bitches and assholes at some points (I take the cake in this part).

 

Happy Rating!

Rejected UPCAT Questions.

THE FOLLOWING WOULD HAVE BEEN SOME OF THE QUESTIONS ASKED IN THE RECENTLY CONCLUDED UPCAT BUT WERE NOT ABLE TO MAKE THE CUT… A VERY FUN READ THOUGH. ENJOY! =)

Narito ang iilang mga tanong na ‘di nakalusot para sa “essay” na parte ng UPCAT 2012 (BTW ito ang unang beses na nagkaroon ng mga essay questions sa buong kasaysayan ng UPCAT).

  1. Hanggang saan aabot ang bente pesos mo?
  2. If 5x +2y = 20, hanggan saan aabot ang 20 pesos mo?
  3. Have you read the terms and conditions?
  4. Why are the birds angry? Explain your answer briefly.
  5. Anong meron sa eggs ng Angry Birds at ninakaw ito ng mga baboy?
  6. Is it more fun in the Philippines? If yes, explain in 10 sentences. If no, mag-migrate ka na.
  7. Ano ang mas malaki bagpack ni Dora? O bulsa ni Doraemon? Justify your answer.
  8. Para kanino ka bumabangon?
  9. Kung si Squirtle ay isang basic water pokemon. Si Myrtle ba ang evolution neto? Ipakita ang evolution tree.
  10. Kung si Squirtle ay isang water pokemon, anong klaseng pokemon si Myrtle? Ipaliwanag.
  11. Pang-ilang evolution ni Jynx si Nicki Minaj?
  12. Why will Rick Astley never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down?
  13. What is Victoria’s Secret? Enumerate.
  14. NOSI, NOSI BALASI, Sino ba sila?
  15. Saan si Waldo? Justify.
  16. Bakit ba laging nagpapahanap si Waldo? Tanga ba siya’t laging nawawala?
  17. Kung bilog ang mundo, bakit meron silang tinatawag na apat na sulok nito?
  18. Why does it melt in your mouth and not in your hand?
  19. Kung si Venus Raj ay magdo-double degree, ano kaya ang kanyang major major? Explain explain!
  20. Sa pagpasok mo sa UP, ano ang Major Major course mo?
  21. Is this the real life or is this just fantasy?
  22. Kung nag evolve tayo from unggoy to tao, at what point ka nagpaiwan?
  23. Naniniwala ka bang hindi natutulog si Kuya Germs? Show evidence.
  24. Kicking in the frontseat or sitting in the backseat? Explain which seat you would take.
  25. How will you help Rihanna know her name? In essay form.
  26. Choco na gatas or gatas na choco?
  27. Nakakabusog o Nakakalusog?
  28. Bakit walang side mirror ang eroplano?
  29. Who’s your daddy now?
  30. Who run the world?
  31. Ano ang trabaho ni Mister Bean? Saan siya kumukuha ng salapi para sa kanyang pang araw-araw na gastusin?
  32. Please explain the word “sulit” to a three-year-old who has enough money to pay his own education.
  33. Kung walang kamay ang mga ibon, then why do birds suddenly APIR? Ipaliwanag.
  34. Kaano-ano ni Dora the Explorer si Internet Explorer?
  35. What is the world’s Number 2 shampoo?
  36. Saan napupunta ang tinatapon mong computer files sa recycle bin?
  37. Who wants to be a millionaire?
  38. Kapag ang ipis nahulog sa tubig na may sabon, dudumi ba ang tubig o lilinis ang ipis?
  39. Kapatid ba ni Swiper the Fox si Megan Fox? Give a list of your sources.
  40. Pinsan ba ni Megan Fox si Mozilla Firefox?
  41. Ano’ng mas malaki, panga ni Charice o pwet ni Nicki Minaj? Illustrate then explain
  42. Kung ikaw si Batman, sinong bahala sa’yo?
  43. Ano ang boiling point ni Agua ng Agua Bendita?
  44. Ano ang circumference ng mukha ni Charice?
  45. Bakit pababa nang pababa ang ispaghetti? Explicate using Newton’s Law of Gravitation.
  46. Explain the attraction between two PBB teens housemates using Newton’s Law of Gravitation.
  47. Using a vernier caliper to a meter stick, gaano kakapal ang mukha mo?
  48. In case “it’s not nosebleed in UP, it’s bloodshed”, what is your blood type? And medical history?
  49. Bakit sa kahit anong angle, ang gwapo mo? Use the SAS ASA SSS Postulates in Geometry to answer this question.
  50. Ano ang meron kay Brand X at galit na galit ang ibang brand sakanya? Defend your answer.
  51. Kung totoong may alien, bakit palaging galing sa Earth ang nananalo sa Miss Universe?
  52. Magkano ang binayad ni Adam Levine para makatawag sa payphone? Cite statistics.
  53. Jumbo Hotdog: Kaya mo ba to?
  54. Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
  55. Using the Mohs Scale of Hardness, gaano katigas si Bash?
  56. Who do you think you are, running ‘round leaving scars?
  57. Does the moonlight shine on Paris after the sun goes down?
  58. Only Belo touches my skin, who touches yours?
  59. If you are daring, how dare you?
  60. Kung bukas luluhod ang mga tala, bakit hindi pa ngayon?
  61. Pag na-ban ang plastic sa Pilipinas, kelangan mo na ba matakot at magtago?
  62. Bakit wala paring tatalo sa Alaska? Explain briefly, No Erasure!
  63. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
  64. Paano mo tuturuan si Sadakong mag-whip ng hair back and forth? Show illustration.
  65. Kung ang nakatusok na baboy ay barbeque, ang nakatusok na saging ay bananacue, bakit ang kabayo, carousel?
  66. Deal or No Deal? Explain through an essay not less than 20 sentences.
  67. Gamit ang inyong Monggol 2 pencil, iguhit ang 50 shades of grey. No erasures.
  68. Sa kantang Tantaran-Chuchurut-Churut, pang-ilang nota humihinga si Willie? Kumonsulta kay Jobert Sucaldito.
  69. Ano ang cultural explanation ng pagkembot ng reyna habang pumapasok ito sa bulaklak?
  70. Kung kulay pula si Jollibee, ano ba talaga siya? Bubuyog o langgam? Ipaliwanag.
  71. Masaya lang ba ang pwedeng umorder ng Happy Meal? Why?
  72. Kung ikaw ay chemist, sino ang lab mo?
  73. Why did it have to end so soon? When you said that you would never leave me?
  74. Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura?
  75. Kung hindi ngayon, kailan? Kung hindi tayo, sino?
  76. Papasa ka ba……. Sa hair test ni Yuko Yamashita?
  77. How is Mr. Krabs the biological father of Pearl? Provide a Punett Square.
  78. Bakit lubog ang Sunken Garden? Ipaliwanag.
  79. Where is the love?
  80. Bakit ka nagmo-move on kung hindi naman kayo? Ilarawan.
  81. Tell me when will you be mine. Quando? Quando? Quando?
  82. Sinong kumagat sa Apple logo? Iexplain bakit hindi niya inubos.
  83. If Ben has five apples and Lisa ate three, why did Adele set fire to the rain?
  84. Saang direksyon papunta ang One Direction? Expound.
  85. Ilan ang butas sa isang cracker ng skyflakes? Illustrate.
  86. Bakit sa mukha ni Charice naghain ng handa yung caterer?
  87. Ilan ang circumference ng pwet ni Nicki Minaj?
  88. Gamit ang Mongol 2, sumaksak ng anim na katabi. May the odds be ever in your favor.
  89. Kung ang tao nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mukhang kabayo? Explain.
  90. How much is that doggie in the window? Ipaliwanag kung bakit ganyan ang presyo nito.
  91. How much is that doggie in the window? Ipaliwanag gamit ang theory of supply and demand.
  92. Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements?
  93. Saan gawa ang Soylent Green?
  94. If tonight, we are young. What about tomorrow?
  95. Ayon sa commercial ad ng BDO nq “we find ways”, ipakita kung saan ang mga daan na nahanap nito. Create a map.
  96. Nauuhaw din ba ang mga isda? Ipaliwanag.
  97. Kung si Corazon ang unang aswang, pang-ilan ka?
  98. Gaano kalakas ang .1 na germ at hindi ito mamatay-matay? Draw and illustrate.
  99. Give at least 10 Reasons kung bakit kailangang i-ban sa buong mundo ang “Call Me Maybe.”
  100. If I were Carly Rae Jepsen. Would you call me?
  101. Pag ang bakla nagka amnesia, Bakla parin kaya?
  102. Teach Me How To Dougie in 10 paragraphs.
  103. Bukod sa mukha mo, ano pa ang joke mo?
  104. Ano ang English ng “Pang-ilang presidente si Gloria?” Give the correct answer. Right Minus Wrong.
  105. Sino ang mananalo sa Claudine vs. Manny?
  106. We found love in a hopeless place, where is the hopeless place?
  107. Anong kinuhang course ni Marian Rivera at naging Psychology siya?
  108. Gaano kadalas ang minsan? Give an exact figure.
  109. Sino si Kikay? Bakit nila pinapasayaw ito?
  110. Paano mangulangot si Wolverine? Explain and illustrate.
  111. Hot pa din ba ang hot sauce ‘pag nilagay mo sa loob ng ref? Paste the original copy of your birth certificate.
  112. Bakit hindi namamatay ang bida? Cite statistics.
  113. Gaano kataas ang lipad ng Whisper with Wings? Demonstrate.
  114. Ang Maroon 5 ba ay galing UP? Patunayan ang sagot gamit ang kanilang mga kanta.
  115. Nasaan ang corn, sa corned beef?
  116. Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?
  117. Maliban sa pag-ibig, ano pa ang ipinapangako mong ipaglalaban mo?
  118. Bakit pinya ang tahanan ni Spongebob? Ikumpara ito sa tahanan ni Patrick gamit ang Venn Diagram.
  119. Bakit ka pinanganak sa mundong ibabaw?
  120. Pare-pareho ba ang napangasawa nina Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel, at Snow White? babaero ba si PRINCE CHARMING?
  121. Will you still love me in the morning?
  122. Explain the phenomenon that is the “Party Rock Anthem”. Provide a timeline.
  123. Bakit kulay green ang blackboard?
  124. Bakit pag rush hour tsaka mabagal ang daloy ng traffic? Explain your answer using sign language.
  125. Who let the dogs out?
  126. Kung walang nilikha ang Diyos na panget, sinung lumikha sayo? Defend yourself.
  127. Sa mga nangyayaring crisis sa ating mundo ngayon, ano masasabi mo sa pag bagsak ng presyo ng talong sa palengke?
  128. Nasaan ang Edge of Glory?
  129. Anong letter ang ELEMENO? Defend your answer. Transcribe.
  130. Ano ang actual na word na narinig mo sa kantang “Mmmbop?” isulat ito sa talampakan at putulin ang paa.
  131. Bakit sawing palad si Magdalena?
  132. Kung ang vegetarian ay kumakain lamang ng gulay, ano naman ang humanitarian? Show your solution.
  133. What are your Five Problems, One Solution?
  134. Choose two-with whom is Lady Gaga: a) caught in a bad romance, b) on the edge of glory, or c) on the telephone?
  135. How can you face your problem if your problem is your face? Justify please.
  136. Bakit kahit matindi na ang global warming, ay hindi ka pa rin nagiging hot? Please explain yourself.
  137. Gaano ka tuwid ang One Direction compared sa ‘Tuwid na Daan’ ni PNoy?
  138. Ano ang paboritong season mo ng Daisy Siete at bakit? Ibigay ang buod.
  139. How does one love like a love song?
  140. Bakit ang hilig lumabas ni Sadako sa TV? Commercial model ba siya? Explain your answer.
  141. Bakit mo titignan yung kamay mo kung mabaho?
  142. If God had a name, what would it be and would you call it to His face? Sagutin sa perspektibo ng mga hunyango.
  143. Bakit square ang box ng pizza samantalang circle naman ang pizza? Please explain
  144. Rated K. Handa na ba kayo? Kumatok sa kapitbahay at batiin sya ng happy birthday habang nagpapaliwanag.
  145. Illustrate Cow and Chicken’s parents’ faces. Additional points for drawing Miss Bellum’s as well.
  146. Kung love is blind, anong kagaguhan ang love at first sight? Ipaliwanag.
  147. Kung mamatay ka na bukas, bakit hindi pa ngayon? Defend your answer.
  148. If jokes are half-meant, ilang jokes ang kelangan para hindi makaoffend ng kaibigan? Ipaliwanag.
  149. Saan ba talaga pinaglihi si Charice? Sa pinggan o Nagaraya?
  150. Bakit pumasok ang reyna sa bulaklak? Ipaliwanag ng hindi hihigit sa limang pangungusap.
  151. Bakit may taong bato?
  152. How many strands of hair does Noynoy have? (Calculator is optional)
  153. Kung ikaw ang nasasakdal sa impeachment trial, ano ang gusto mong sumakit sa iyo at bakit?
  154. Where do broken hearts go? (Follow-up question: Can they find their way home?)
  155. Kung ang “one night stand” ay sa gabi. Ano naman ang sa umaga?
  156. Bakit pag usapang hotdog, “Kids can tell?” Ipaliwanag ang kaso ng hotdog ni Aljur.
  157. Paano nagiging extra virgin ang olive oil? Pwede din ba maging extra virgin ang tao? Explain.
  158. Kanino mo gusto makipag-make out; sa taong walang ngipin or sa taong walang dila? Explain briefly.
  159. Anong meron siya na wala ako? Cite examples.
  160. How are starships maneuvered?
  161. Sa cartoon series na Huck Finn, ginagawa pa rin ba ang BAHAY NI HUCK? Sa anong puno at bakit?
  162. Why is Chris Brown and Redford White?
  163. How much is Chris Black better than Chris Brown? Provide a frequency distribution table.
  164. Bakit si Greyson may Chance, si Bieber may Baby at may Boyfriend? Explain your answer briefly.
  165. Is Hash Brown the lost brother of Chris Brown? Explain briefly and concisely.
  166. Tama ba si Willie Revillame na ikaw na nga ang hinahanap ng puso?
  167. Spaggeti pababa, o spaggeti pataas?
  168. Sa kantang Leron-leron sinta, Bakit may buko ang papaya? Expound.
  169. Do you believe in life (after love, after love…?)
  170. Ano ang nasa dako pa roon?
  171. In 140 characters, ibuod ang talambuhay ni Jose Rizal.
  172. Bakit nagso-Sorry ang Super Junior? Ano ginawa nila?
  173. Bakit bawal sa animals ang Samsung? Defend yourself.
  174. Kung ang ingles ng bulak ay cotton, at ang ingles ng bulaklak ay flower, bakit hindi cottontton? Ipaliwanag.
  175. If men are from mars women are from venus, bakit sila nagpunta sa earth?
  176. Magkano ang pamasahe ng limang bakla?
  177. Kung sa Jollibee, ‘Bida ang Saya’, sino ang kontrabida?
  178. Bakit tinatawag na brownout kung black naman ang nakikita pag walang kuryente?
  179. If you were given a chance to be a ghost for one day, would you stalk your crush or scare your enemy?
  180. Bakit hindi mapatay ni Ne-Yo ang kaniyang radyo? Ipakita ang sagot gamit ng isang circuit illustration.
  181. Bakit kaylangan i-Instagram yang Milk Tea na iniinom mo?
  182. Tatay nga ba ni Patrick Star si Majinbu? Iguhit ang family tree.
  183. Anong mas masarap, Coco Jam o Coco Martin? Ipaliwanag.
  184. May kinalaman ba si Coco martin sa pagdiskubre ng Coco Crunch?
  185. Ang breakfast ba at dinner, pwedeng ilagay sa lunchbox?
  186. Bakit kailangan mong mag check-in sa Foursquare pag nasa sosyal kang lugar? Explain briefly.
  187. Pano naging cellphone ang Blackberry? Explain.
  188. Kung ang lens ng camera ay BILOG? Bakit ang litrato ay RECTANGLE? Explain.
  189. Using existentialist theories, answer the following question using 5000 words: ANSABE?
  190. Kung ikaw magjojoke, sa bagong gising o sa taong aral na aral pero di nagising? Propose methodology.
  191. Hindi tayo tao, hindi rin tayo hayop. Ano tayo?
  192. Illustrate the Steric Inhibition that happened to Charice’s Zygomaticus.
  193. Isalin ang mga titik ng awiting ‘UP Naming Mahal’ sa Ingles.
  194. Saan? Saan ako nagkamali?
  195. SINONG NAGPAUSO NITO AT SINO ANG NAUNANG MAGTWEET? Mananaliksik gamit ang history ng Pilipinas.
  196. Paano mo nabilang ang tawa mo? Explain briefly.
  197. I-summarize ang lahat ng sagot mo sa multiple choice.
  198. May UPCAT ka mamaya? Nababasa mo to? Ba’t hanggang ngayon gising ka pa? JUSTIFY
  199. Sa tingin mo papasa ka ba?
  200. Sa huling pagkakataon, tatanungin ulit kita. Showtime or Goodtime? Tandaan mo meron ka ng X.