Etiquette for Bullies (Must Love Them)

Even before Cinderella got her fairy-tale ending; before the ugly duckling became a beautiful swan; and before Venus Raj made her major-major 4th-runner up finish in the Ms. Universe,  they were all just the same— simpletons who were desperately trying to create a mark, make it big, and find their happy ever after ending someday.

And along their journey to greatness; they were all there too, of course- the people who incessantly executed every abuse, sabotage, and mockery to our hopefuls to make them feel how pitiful, loathsome, and useless they are. But now that these poor people have overcome their demons and found their own star, they still need to give tribute somehow to the girl who used to poke at her nose; to the boy who made sure to ridicule every bone in his body (including his name), and to the teacher who always told him/her they’ll never be good enough: Yes, THE BULLIES. Why? Because part of their success they definitely owe to them. Because if it weren’t for their constant heckling and intimidation, they probably wouldn’t have strived and learned how to be strong and believe in themselves.

So you’re a bully I see- or somebody who wants to be one. I don’t know what you’re reasons are exactly but allow me to present the art of being an effective, efficient, and a powerful bully- with a touch of class of course. But firstly, you need to be equipped with these  five essential things:

  1. Absence of conscience
  2. A bitter past
  3. Envy and insecurity
  4. An insatiable flair for drama and attention
  5. An attitude with a capital A.

Five requirements: Check! Now we’re ready to begin.

  1. Never, ever feel any guilt– The mere fact that you decided to let hell loose and make the lives of the people around you miserable require you to stomach watching their faces writhing in agony, their tears flowing like it’s never going to end, and their mouth bleeding with a broken lip. On the contrary, you SHOULD be enjoying the view.
  2. Always make ways to show how pathetic the target is– Remember, bullies are insanely insecure and envious people who cannot accept the fact that some people have what they desire but alas, cannot possess. Therefore you should make them feel that whatever beauty, talent, or intelligence they have do not make them a cut above the rest. Instead, make them feel it is their fault that they possess such boon and because of it, they are to be punished by eating alone in the cafeteria, not getting any group mate in the class activity, or be the subject of nasty gossip- and deal with it.
  3. Own the spotlight- always-. You are a bully and you should be the star. Anybody who tries to steal the thunder, unwittingly or not, should face your and your minions’ wrath.   (I almost forgot to tell, bullies have minions who do not possess any balls or intelligence or both.) Why break a nail when people are willing to do the dirty task of dispatching garbage?
  4. Always have the “bully look”- How can you intimidate when you don’t look like one in the first place? For girls, an arched eyebrow (either left or right) is a must. For boys, merging your eye brows can give the message that you’re displeased or just simply looking for a fight- and all these poor weaklings will scamper or devise ways to stop an impending tantrum.
  5.    Be manipulative– This may seem to be the hardest, nevertheless the ultimate skill you need to learn before getting the respect of your fellow bullies. You are a bully. It means you have personal, family, or societal issues you cannot resolve so you find ways to realize your evil intentions by of course- devising methods such as lies, trickery, blackmailing… the list is endless. You definitely have to put your signature move. Copying others’ schemes is so trying hard.

These are but the basics. On a final note, always take this very important consideration in mind: There will always be these strong-willed people who will try in their every ounce of power to protect these weaklings and maintain the balance of power in school. There will be people whose knees won’t shake when you do the evil eye, or not step aside when you stride in the hallway with your cronies; or report you (ugh, what a bore) to the proper authorities to make sure you don’t get away with your mischiefs. You need to eliminate them first. How? That’s completely up to you. These people whom you victimize will soon be the next big thing in the industry (this is guaranteed) and you are very much aware that you are going to grow up a hater and a loser someday; so now that they’re still defenseless savor every moment darkening their days. Who knows? You might drag them to the pits of bitterness where you are now.

Good luck spreading hate, despair, and fear!